For Starters...

It's one of those light dark light days: sun clouds sun.

So, there are questions. What would happen if I accomplished something?

Funny, even thinking about it makes me squirm.  Why?

I realize too, that being mad about trivial stuff is just a distraction, a way of pushing aside the uncomfortable feelings.

Okay, I am going to visualize a free me. What does that look like?

I don't think I'm ready to go all the way with it, so I'll start with perhaps some external stuff.

Geez, I still feel like I'm standing at the edge of the 10 foot deep end of the pool and NOT wanting to jump in!

• Everywhere I look, there are clean,  uncluttered horizontal surfaces.
• Pictures are all hung or put away.
• Nice paths around the yard
• Pond in backyard is complete.
• I've chosen a few things that I want to do...and that's it - I don't have too much to do.
• I have time to do everything I want to do.
• I'm not rushed.
• I respect myself.
• Other people respect me.
• I have a nice place to sit in the house.
• I have a nice place to write and draw etc.
• I have a nice place to invite people.
• There are nice places to sit in the yard
• No piles of junk in the yard.
• Feel good about inviting people here.
• Feel proud of my home.

Well, that is certainly a beginning.

I will take everything off the kitchen table today.

I will take everything off the file cabinet today.

;)

Too tired to do this but I said I would...

I actually sat down at the computer at least 1/2 hour ago, and then HAD to do this and that.

Why this compulsion always to do something other than whatever I set out to do?

Okay, that is the question of the day.  To be examined further.

'Night

A fresh today

There are ideas everywhere.

I was getting my oil changed and looking at the reading material in the waiting room. Now I have to buy the Oprah magazine, because it had some good ideas.  One was:

• Make a list of the 10 things most important to you (not general like "peace").
• Make a list of the things on your "to do" list.
• Compare the two lists. How many of the items on the second list are on the first list (or vice versa)?

In other words, how much time do I devote to the things most important to me? But the last suggestion is:

• Make a plan to do some of the things on the first list and stick to it - don't do anything else until you do some of those things!

Ouch.  That hits home.

What am I happy about today?

Even though they are not important in the greater scheme of things, I did get two things done that were haunting me:

• Took car to carwash
• Took car for oil change (you knew that already)

Now I need to put away clothes that were washed.

What do I want to do with the rest of my time today...aside from the time it will take to drive to San Jose to pick up daughter and grandson from airport?

• Check under the house to make sure that all things that might be damaged by being on the ground are raised off the ground.
• Make sure everything is out of the weather that is on the back porch.
• Complete refinance decision
• Complete refinance application!

Now, onto less mundane writing:

FEAR

Is that what keeps me imprisoned by all my stuff?

As long as there is a bunch of clutter to clean up, I don't have to step into the unknown.

Where I live now is a kind of limbo...not doing what my parents wanted me to do, and not doing what I want to do.  Not even knowing what I want to do. Too surrounded by clutter to even begin to think about anything else.

What a pathetic kind of security.  Yeah, I know I shouldn't have said that...pathetic.  I guess I should be kinder to myself. What do I need to do to deserve that?

I said I would do it, and I'm doing it!

I said that I would write something today, and now I am doing it, in spite of the fact that I spent more than an hour reconfiguring and editing my blog page.

I have decided that I will write regularly.  It is like eating and washing dishes. It is important to be nourished and to clean up too!

I have a major problem with clutter and broken promises to myself. I feel like I am suffocating and that my life is at a standstill.  Frustration is my middle name, so to speak.

At the age of 67, it is a little late to be thinking, "Some day..."

Looking at my thinking/feeling is a necessary part of transformation. It is the seed from which my actions come.

There is also a saying that the little things you do every day are more important than the big things you do once in a while - so I am trying to pay attention to that.

So tired

I am starting to realize that I try to do too many things.

So, I have too many things and take on too many things.

The result is that there is never time to think or be.

It is a way of running away from my life.

Not fun.

I don't feel like editing a Facebook page.
I don't feel like cleaning the toilet.
I don't feel like having too much to do.
There are too many things to do.
There is too much stuff around.
This is not fun.

When will the fun begin?
What IS fun?

Trust yourself

Trust yourself.
- Tama Kieves