Saturday, January 21, 2012

For Starters...

It's one of those light dark light days: sun clouds sun.

So, there are questions. What would happen if I accomplished something?

Funny, even thinking about it makes me squirm.  Why?

I realize too, that being mad about trivial stuff is just a distraction, a way of pushing aside the uncomfortable feelings.

Okay, I am going to visualize a free me. What does that look like?

I don't think I'm ready to go all the way with it, so I'll start with perhaps some external stuff.

Geez, I still feel like I'm standing at the edge of the 10 foot deep end of the pool and NOT wanting to jump in!


  • Everywhere I look, there are clean,  uncluttered horizontal surfaces.
  • Pictures are all hung or put away.
  • Nice paths around the yard
  • Pond in backyard is complete.
  • I've chosen a few things that I want to do...and that's it - I don't have too much to do.
  • I have time to do everything I want to do.
  • I'm not rushed.
  • I respect myself.
  • Other people respect me.
  • I have a nice place to sit in the house.
  • I have a nice place to write and draw etc.
  • I have a nice place to invite people.
  • There are nice places to sit in the yard
  • No piles of junk in the yard.
  • Feel good about inviting people here.
  • Feel proud of my home.
Well, that is certainly a beginning.

I will take everything off the kitchen table today.
I will take everything off the file cabinet today.

;)

Friday, January 20, 2012

Too tired to do this but I said I would...

I actually sat down at the computer at least 1/2 hour ago, and then HAD to do this and that.

Why this compulsion always to do something other than whatever I set out to do?

Okay, that is the question of the day.  To be examined further.

'Night

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

A fresh today

There are ideas everywhere.

I was getting my oil changed and looking at the reading material in the waiting room. Now I have to buy the Oprah magazine, because it had some good ideas.  One was:

  • Make a list of the 10 things most important to you (not general like "peace").
  • Make a list of the things on your "to do" list.
  • Compare the two lists. How many of the items on the second list are on the first list (or vice versa)?
In other words, how much time do I devote to the things most important to me? But the last suggestion is:
  • Make a plan to do some of the things on the first list and stick to it - don't do anything else until you do some of those things!
Ouch.  That hits home.

What am I happy about today?

Even though they are not important in the greater scheme of things, I did get two things done that were haunting me:
  • Took car to carwash
  • Took car for oil change (you knew that already)
Now I need to put away clothes that were washed.

What do I want to do with the rest of my time today...aside from the time it will take to drive to San Jose to pick up daughter and grandson from airport?
  • Check under the house to make sure that all things that might be damaged by being on the ground are raised off the ground.
  • Make sure everything is out of the weather that is on the back porch.
  • Complete refinance decision
  • Complete refinance application!
Now, onto less mundane writing:

FEAR
Is that what keeps me imprisoned by all my stuff?

As long as there is a bunch of clutter to clean up, I don't have to step into the unknown.

Where I live now is a kind of limbo...not doing what my parents wanted me to do, and not doing what I want to do.  Not even knowing what I want to do. Too surrounded by clutter to even begin to think about anything else.

What a pathetic kind of security.  Yeah, I know I shouldn't have said that...pathetic.  I guess I should be kinder to myself. What do I need to do to deserve that?

Monday, January 16, 2012

I said I would do it, and I'm doing it!

I said that I would write something today, and now I am doing it, in spite of the fact that I spent more than an hour reconfiguring and editing my blog page.

I have decided that I will write regularly.  It is like eating and washing dishes. It is important to be nourished and to clean up too!

I have a major problem with clutter and broken promises to myself. I feel like I am suffocating and that my life is at a standstill.  Frustration is my middle name, so to speak.

At the age of 67, it is a little late to be thinking, "Some day..."

Looking at my thinking/feeling is a necessary part of transformation. It is the seed from which my actions come.

There is also a saying that the little things you do every day are more important than the big things you do once in a while - so I am trying to pay attention to that.