tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49198178592675015722023-11-15T09:19:08.821-08:00Giving birth to a new lifeLooking at what is essential and nourishingBevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-18257884325880744262012-01-21T15:24:00.000-08:002012-01-21T15:25:13.169-08:00For Starters...It's one of those light dark light days: sun clouds sun.<br />
<br />
So, there are questions. What would happen if I accomplished something?<br />
<br />
Funny, even thinking about it makes me squirm. Why?<br />
<br />
I realize too, that being mad about trivial stuff is just a distraction, a way of pushing aside the uncomfortable feelings.<br />
<br />
Okay, I am going to visualize a free me. What does that look like?<br />
<br />
I don't think I'm ready to go all the way with it, so I'll start with perhaps some external stuff.<br />
<br />
Geez, I still feel like I'm standing at the edge of the 10 foot deep end of the pool and NOT wanting to jump in!<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Everywhere I look, there are clean, uncluttered horizontal surfaces.</li>
<li>Pictures are all hung or put away.</li>
<li>Nice paths around the yard</li>
<li>Pond in backyard is complete.</li>
<li>I've chosen a few things that I want to do...and that's it - I don't have too much to do.</li>
<li>I have time to do everything I want to do.</li>
<li>I'm not rushed.</li>
<li>I respect myself.</li>
<li>Other people respect me.</li>
<li>I have a nice place to sit in the house.</li>
<li>I have a nice place to write and draw etc.</li>
<li>I have a nice place to invite people.</li>
<li>There are nice places to sit in the yard</li>
<li>No piles of junk in the yard.</li>
<li>Feel good about inviting people here.</li>
<li>Feel proud of my home.</li>
</ul>
<div>
Well, that is certainly a beginning.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I will take everything off the kitchen table today.</div>
<div>
I will take everything off the file cabinet today.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
;)</div>Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-21585493366906993132012-01-20T23:50:00.000-08:002012-01-20T23:51:47.352-08:00Too tired to do this but I said I would...<br />
<br />
I actually sat down at the computer at least 1/2 hour ago, and then HAD to do this and that.<br />
<br />
Why this compulsion always to do something other than whatever I set out to do?<br />
<br />
Okay, that is the question of the day. To be examined further.<br />
<br />
'NightBevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-47995961549681556852012-01-18T14:00:00.000-08:002012-01-18T14:03:30.692-08:00A fresh todayThere are ideas everywhere.<br />
<br />
I was getting my oil changed and looking at the reading material in the waiting room. Now I have to buy the Oprah magazine, because it had some good ideas. One was:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Make a list of the 10 things most important to you (not general like "peace").</li>
<li>Make a list of the things on your "to do" list.</li>
<li>Compare the two lists. How many of the items on the second list are on the first list (or vice versa)?</li>
</ul>
<div>
In other words, how much time do I devote to the things most important to me? But the last suggestion is:</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>Make a plan to do some of the things on the first list and stick to it - don't do anything else until you do some of those things!</li>
</ul>
<div>
Ouch. That hits home.</div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
What am I happy about today?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Even though they are not important in the greater scheme of things, I did get two things done that were haunting me:</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>Took car to carwash</li>
<li>Took car for oil change (you knew that already)</li>
</ul>
<div>
Now I need to put away clothes that were washed.</div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
What do I want to do with the rest of my time today...aside from the time it will take to drive to San Jose to pick up daughter and grandson from airport?</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>Check under the house to make sure that all things that might be damaged by being on the ground are raised off the ground.</li>
<li>Make sure everything is out of the weather that is on the back porch.</li>
<li>Complete refinance decision</li>
<li>Complete refinance application!</li>
</ul>
<div>
Now, onto less mundane writing:</div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
FEAR</div>
<div>
Is that what keeps me imprisoned by all my stuff?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
As long as there is a bunch of clutter to clean up, I don't have to step into the unknown.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Where I live now is a kind of limbo...not doing what my parents wanted me to do, and not doing what I want to do. Not even <b><i>knowing</i></b> what I want to do. Too surrounded by clutter to even begin to think about anything else.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
What a pathetic kind of security. Yeah, I know I shouldn't have said that...pathetic. I guess I should be kinder to myself. What do I need to do to deserve <b><i>that</i></b>?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-35069456747854303502012-01-16T11:51:00.000-08:002012-01-16T11:51:51.120-08:00I said I would do it, and I'm doing it!<i>I said that I would write something today, and now I am doing it, in spite of the fact that I spent more than an hour reconfiguring and editing my blog page.</i><br />
<br />
I have decided that I will write regularly. It is like eating and washing dishes. It is important to be nourished and to clean up too!<br />
<br />
I have a major problem with clutter and broken promises to myself. I feel like I am suffocating and that my life is at a standstill. Frustration is my middle name, so to speak.<br />
<br />
At the age of 67, it is a little late to be thinking, "Some day..."<br />
<br />
Looking at my thinking/feeling is a necessary part of transformation. It is the seed from which my actions come.<br />
<br />
There is also a saying that the little things you do every day are more important than the big things you do once in a while - so I am trying to pay attention to that.Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-82106332768690382011-08-07T00:01:00.000-07:002011-08-07T00:01:53.952-07:00So tiredI am starting to realize that I try to do too many things.<br />
<br />
So, I have too many things and take on too many things.<br />
<br />
The result is that there is never time to think or be.<br />
<br />
It is a way of running away from my life.Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-50658444129955642482011-07-13T08:23:00.000-07:002011-07-13T08:23:24.281-07:00Not fun.I don't feel like editing a Facebook page.<br />
I don't feel like cleaning the toilet.<br />
I don't feel like having too much to do.<br />
There are too many things to do.<br />
There is too much stuff around.<br />
This is not fun.<br />
<br />
When will the fun begin?<br />
What IS fun?Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-82821864662769908042011-07-12T08:20:00.001-07:002011-07-12T08:20:50.978-07:00Trust yourselfTrust yourself.<br />
- Tama KievesBevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-87407895320282078682011-07-12T07:51:00.000-07:002011-07-12T07:51:13.789-07:00Grow upGuess I need to leave the nest.Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-18335085232628138392011-07-12T06:28:00.001-07:002012-01-18T14:03:31.636-08:00VomitNOW<br />
<br />
Feel like I've eaten something toxic.<br />
<br />
Feel like I'm being strangled...only by myself.<br />
<br />
All my life, since I can remember, I've felt like I was imprisoned, kept in a hostile environment, not able to live my own life...whatever that might be.<br />
<br />
That last little phrase is telling, because I don't know what that is. I don't know what I want to do. Make commitments to myself and forget them. The road to hell is paved with good intentions? How can someone have so many good intentions and so little to show for it?<br />
<br />
Yes, the little voice is saying - "You are too hard on yourself - look at all you've achieved," but something is wrong, and all the attempts at positive thinking don't result in any permanent result.<br />
<br />
Feel like an oil-soaked bird who cannot fly. Feel like someone stuck in an eternal traffic jam. Feel like I'm trapped under the water with a weight strapped to my feet and my hands tied. Feel like someone at the bottom of a dumpster with lots of junk on top.<br />
<br />
What are the specifics?<br />
<br />
<ul><li>Mail piles up and I keep thinking I will deal with this and that, and then I'm going to have guests and I put it all in a box and hide it somewhere. Then, every time I look at it (hardly ever), I see all these things I need to decide about and it's going to take forever and I can't do it.</li>
<li>Projects pile up.</li>
<ul><li>I want to clean up the kitchen but I don't want to get rid of anything and there isn't enough room for everything.</li>
<li>I want to have a space that is mine, where I can write or draw, but there is none.</li>
<li>I want the yard to be a lovely spot, with paths, and pool, and shady spots, with herb garden and vegetables and rain garden with California natives mostly. Right now, it's less than half done. I have plants in pots and I need to get them in the ground before they die. Sometimes they do die before I get them planted.</li>
<li>My car is a mess. Things that need to be returned, things that need to go to thrift store, things I don't know what to do with.</li>
<li>Want to have a "sangha," a group of people who will come here to meditation once a week or once a month, but house is too messy, yard is too messy.</li>
<li>Want to be able to spend more time with kids and grandkids, but always feel overwhelmed with the chaos of the house and yard.</li>
<li>Want to make sense of photos - never have time to go through them, edit, delete, organize, share.</li>
</ul><li>Waste time. Read, read read. Novels, information, computer. E-mail, Facebook, environmental, political. It's like I have a library, but the books are lying about in piles and are not benefitting anyone. It's like I read books on exercise and don't do it.</li>
<li>All this knowledge, but little result.</li>
<li>Hardly any friends. Don't feel comfortable with people. What do I feel? Don't know what to say. Talk too much. Feel too needy. Afraid of being judged. Afraid of being nagged to do things I don't want to do.</li>
</ul><div>HISTORY</div><div><ul><li>High-strung baby. Colic. </li>
<ul><li>My mother had older sister who was domineering and who she thought that her mother loved more than her. Both girls were placed in orphanage after their father died and their mother could not take care of them - I think they were 2 and 6 or 8. My mother felt hurt because her older sister was brought home to live and she had to stay at the orphanage. Her older sister got new things and my mother got hand-me-downs. I thought about this, and told my mother that maybe she stayed at the orphanage longer because she was too young to look after at home. And maybe she got the hand-me-downs because her mom could not afford new clothes for two children.</li>
<li>My father was domineering and so was his mother. I was the first grandchild and was treated as the family jewel by my father and his family, in some ways. My mother was Cinderella. She was at the edge of things. She was not respected. When I was 4, my sister was born. An easy-going baby, she was not thought to resemble my father's side of the family, and she became my mother's darling, and I was somewhat rejected.</li>
</ul><li>Was "first born son" until I was 10 ... when my brother was born. Was kind of unaware of father's outlook. <b>So I guess I got rejected twice</b>. Never thought about it that way before.</li>
<ul><li>Liked asking questions, liked science, liked to read, liked to draw.</li>
<li>Did well in school, but not as committed as I could have been. Preferred to read novels and draw. Not good at getting homework done, or learning rote items like multiplication tables, but was a B+ student or better. Was in several honors classes in high school.</li>
<li>Then, I told my father that instead of taking physics in my senior year of high school, I wanted to take Graphic Arts. My high school had a very good graphic arts teacher and I figured I could take physics in college. My father acted as if I had proposed becoming a streetwalker. He was furious. Said I was lazy. Said he knew I would never take physics. I was pretty upset that he saw my wish as being so useless and negative. I felt hurt and offended. I was upset and mad. I said he was like Hitler and he ran after me and kicked me in the behind. <b>And I guess this was another rejection.</b></li>
<li>Then, I asked my parents about where to go to college, and they said, "You're a girl. You don't have to go to college. Some day, your brother will have to support a family. He HAS to go to college. If he can't get into CCNY, we will have to pay for him to go to private school. We have to save our money. If you want to go to Queens College, which you were able to get into, and is free, you can live at home. <b>Maybe this was yet another rejection.</b></li>
</ul></ul>Then, of course, I had to fall in love with someone who loved me too ... but was scared of commitment ... so that ended up being another kind of rejection ... also ambiguous, as that of my parents had been.</div><div><br />
</div><div>In all these cases, I was "loved" by people who had their own agenda, an agenda which did not have my own best interests at heart. They say the good is the enemy of the best ... but even the bad has more power when it is mixed with good. I think I was very confused. Because of the mixture of "love" and rejection, I think I kept hungering for acceptance and respect. If there had not been any good aspects to the relationships, perhaps I would have stopped looking to them for support, for acceptance. But as things are now, I feel like I have a hole in the middle of myself.</div><div><br />
</div><div>I cannot go on right now. I think this just needs to be about what's wrong.</div>Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-62099057192660170972011-06-26T12:50:00.001-07:002011-06-26T12:50:21.009-07:00So it's time to do nothingAimlessness...Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-10134572363697114912011-06-26T11:46:00.000-07:002011-06-26T11:56:34.428-07:00Freedom, forgivenessOne of the commenters in a discussion on TED on forgiveness mentioned the idea of asking oneself, "How does this serve me?"<br />
<br />
He was referring to being, or thinking of oneself as a victim, but I realize that this applies to everything I "don't like," everything I find painful or wish was otherwise.<br />
<br />
With that in mind, how does having a messy home serve me?<br />
<ul><li>Is it keeping me from thinking about anything else?</li>
<li>Is it keeping me from having friends and family visit?</li>
<li>Is it keeping me from feeling peaceful?</li>
<li>Is it not so much about having a messy home as about not feeling "compelled" to clean up?</li>
<li>Is it about feeling free to "do what I want?"</li>
</ul><div>Every time I decide to do something, I seem to create an additional "me," that is standing there with a pointing finger making me feel humiliated.</div><div><br />
</div><div>What is freedom? Trying to find freedom, I feel like I am losing it.</div><div><br />
</div><div>This is painful. Not knowing which way to turn.</div><div><br />
</div><div>Although it is painful, it is an opportunity to learn. I return to the question, "How does this serve me?"</div>Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-78244099106365810902010-03-07T20:48:00.001-08:002010-03-07T20:48:20.955-08:00Wonderful dayGeez, it's nice to feel happy!<br /><br />Woke up late and went to Water Street Cafe for lunch. Yummy curried carrot soup - so fresh! and a spinach salad. Ate out on the deck by the river with an umbrella for shade. Wind kicked up and we had coffee and treats inside. Lovely, leisurely time.<br /><br />Home to do a quick change and leave for Sebastopol, where we saw a documentary on a Polish woman who hid 15 Jews in her home right under the noses of the Nazis and neighbors who might have turned her in for the rewards. A courageous yet unassuming person. She just did it.<br /><br />After the movie, party at Sebastopol Center for the Arts. Good music, too.<br /><br />A delicious day. And I can do the garden tomorrow!<br /><br />;)Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-52972430677733804772010-02-14T15:19:00.001-08:002010-02-14T15:19:14.884-08:00Maybe a change comingThinking of doing a political/environmental blog too.Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-46189490413921901502010-01-03T18:13:00.001-08:002010-01-03T18:13:56.556-08:00Rats!I think this is working out to be the year of the rat here - although it will actually be the year of the Tiger, come Chinese New Year's Day.<br /><br />We heard noise in the walls and attic. We put a Rat Zapper and baited it with dog treats in the attic. It kills rats with an electric shock using D-cells. It works!<br /><br />(We had hunted for a humane way to deal with them, but the Zapper seems to be the closest we could get. We investigated using a Havahart/? trap, but we would have to let them go somewhere, and NO ONE wants rats. They are almost as popular as the plague...probably because they carry diseases like bubonic plague.)<br /><br />January 1 - Rat #1<br />January 2 - Rat #2<br />January 3 - Rat #3<br /><br />Now I'm beginning to wonder if we need to buy a bigger aluminum ladder. Paul has been bringing up one of his old heavy wooden ladders that he used to use for painting. Our ceilings are so high that the 6 foot aluminum ones are too short.<br />Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-46235450252099329732009-11-29T14:40:00.001-08:002009-11-29T14:40:54.413-08:00Farewell?It's another one of those days when 15 year old Sati-dog is looking like she is leaving this world. She was perky yesterday; up a few times last night. Every time she went down into the yard, she would stay there, staring at things, and I would have to call her back in. <br /><br />The last time she went out, it was clearly a bit of a struggle for her to come up the steps. She hasn't eaten at all today - not even turkey broth or fresh turkey breast. She would just stand on the back porch staring out into the yard, her legs slowly slipping out from under her. Finally she lay down on the porch in the sun. I came out and moved her pillow, and moved her onto it so she would be more comfortable.<br /><br />She's not interested in much of anything. There have been similar times in the past - going back a year! There have been times when I thought she was going to die any minute - but then she has made a miraculous recovery more than once.<br /><br />I feel very sad today. It seems to me that she is finally giving up for real. I'm just glad that it seems like she is not suffering. For a cantankerous, possessive, unpredictable dog, I'm going to miss her a lot.Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-21940482352424829592009-11-16T12:58:00.001-08:002009-11-16T12:58:06.257-08:00Drowning in stuffHow is that you can be miserable your whole life about something and not be able to fix it?<br /><br />How can you be hospitable when your house is a giant mess?<br /><br />How can you be respected when everything is a mess?<br /><br />How can you enjoy your life when your surroundings are chaotic?<br /><br />How can you satisfy your love of beauty when you are drowning in stuff?Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-86354782266045180872009-11-11T08:02:00.001-08:002009-11-11T08:02:44.924-08:00What does it mean to have faith?I was just cruising blogs and saw one by someone who had just moved to Alaska with her husband, kid, and dogs. She said "We are lovers of the Lord, each other, music, coffee, The Office (what is that?) and so much more."<br /><br />I was touched by that. There is a sense of a commitment to faith and love. In our funny cynical way, I think that we have that below the surface - but why not above the surface?<br /><br />This is not what I expected to come of blogging.<br /><br />I have discovered that I want to live my days with more of a sense of dedication to something, a sense of love, and a sense of awareness of the magic of life.<br />Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-34479579066585614812009-11-11T07:21:00.001-08:002009-11-11T07:21:49.262-08:00Sati GirlOver the past year or more, Sati has had many episodes where she looked like she was about to give up the ghost - in a minute or an hour or a day... and yet, maybe an hour later, she'd be trotting around, looking for something to eat...<br /><br />Sati, a mixed breed, is at least 15 years old. She can only eat canned food and is just skin and bones. When you look at her, you wonder how she can be alive.<br /><br />Now, she needs to urinate frequently. The past few nights we have been getting up 4 times to let her out. She had started peeing on the floor every night - she doesn't whine to be let out. After experimenting with a belled cat collar, which didn't work because it was not loud enough to be heard from the bedroom, I attached a dinner bell to her collar at night. So far it is working pretty well - except for the fact that we have to wake up every hour or two.<br /><br />Last night, around midnight, when I laid her down (she has a hard time lying down by herself), she was shivering. I had covered her with her blanket and it wasn't very cold, so I thought that maybe she was in pain or scared...maybe dying. Her eyes did not look good. I sat with her, thinking, any minute - this could be it. And then something changed, and she looked like she was just going to sleep. And now, it is morning. We've let her out the usual 4 times, and she is snoozing again.Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-55489934510002869392009-11-09T15:20:00.001-08:002009-11-09T15:20:49.736-08:00A bad news day...So sorry to hear that to get the health care bill passed, the dems thought they needed to include an anti-abortion amendment.<br /><br />To top it off, the financial institutions are giving big bonuses again. Shouldn't they have to return the bailout money WITH INTEREST first?Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-56459289701630363342009-11-08T11:12:00.000-08:002009-11-08T11:12:16.586-08:00A sunny fall SundayWhere to begin?<br />
<br />
Saying that sounds like I have so much to say, but actually I feel like there is nothing to say. Strange for a person who is often perceived as too voluble.<br />
<br />
It is extremely quiet. No birds; just an occasional far away car sound. The dogs are asleep, and not even dreaming with little woofs and whines.<br />
<br />
Now I hear a clock - it must be the Audubon bird clock - ticking slowly.<br />
<br />
The room is dim. It faces north and west, so since it is morning, there is no direct light. With the narrow windows of a Victorian house, what light there is, is limited.<br />
<br />
I think it should be a rule - all kitchens should face east, so that they are cheerful places to be in the morning, and they are not getting the heat of the sun in the afternoon, when you are likely to be doing the most cooking.<br />
<br />
Who is it sitting here typing?<br />
<br />
Maybe it is a good thing that I feel so empty. You cannot pour into a full cup, after all. But am I waiting for something?<br />
<br />
Part of the emptiness is lack of emotion. Am I squelching something? Am I sad? Mad?<br />
<br />
It seems like so much time and effort would need to be spent to have space for a drawing desk, an easel, and just some room to breathe. I wish I could afford to turn the garage into a studio. I wish I could get one of those neat "little houses" on wheels - although I would be happy to take it off the wheels. The man who builds them often uses recycled materials, so you might get a nice old fir floor.<br />
<br />
My studio would have good-sized windows facing east into our yard, and nothing facing west - the alley. Even a door would let noise in ... and out. The best place for the door would be facing south, toward the house. There could be another window there too.<br />
<br />
I could have a big desk that tilts and could be used for both art and writing. A nice bookcase and a nice cabinet for art supplies. One of those tube skylights to have light on the north and west sides of the room. A nice rug for meditation. A comfortable chair...a rocking chair? - for reading. A fountain in the yard, so I could hear water. A pond near the door/windows.<br />
<br />
I think I would like to make a picture - either a drawing or a collage of my studio retreat, my zen corner.<br />
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Now it is time to go into the day ...Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-77282089475345052722009-11-04T08:45:00.000-08:002009-11-04T08:45:12.792-08:00Showing up<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';">Just show up. That is what came to mind this morning when my "Write now" reminder rang on my cell.</span><div><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';">The thought before that was, "What do I have to say?" We never know what we have to say until we say it. We never know what our baby will look like until we conceive and give birth to one. And each time it is different.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';">It is in doing that something comes to life. Wanting to know what it will be ahead of time is asking for death. Something that is dead is predictable.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';">So, life is more like surfing. You meet each wave. Hello, wave!</span></div>Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-80837799717698429952009-10-30T06:56:00.000-07:002009-10-30T06:57:17.196-07:00Gullible donkeyThere I was, rising out of my bed, ready to write, and between the bedroom and the kitchen, passing through doors, walking on floors, covering the old dog, and then, what? Where was I? What was it I wanted to do?<br />
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It was like waking up to a fresh dawn, singing birds, sun streaming in, and falling asleep again and waking up to a foggy day.<br />
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Worries creep in, puncture my buoyant balloon, send it spiraling down with an idiot long fart.<br />
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Is joy only a fantasy, a fake carrot held out for my gullible donkey?Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-85411093727257791082009-10-29T12:34:00.000-07:002009-10-29T12:34:33.190-07:00Clouds and moreTaking Tai Chi seems to have activated more than just my body.<br />
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Today, Patrick was saying that although it is a good shortcut to have habitual ways we do things, it is also good to sometimes be open to new ways of moving. One of the people in the class said that yes, she tended to always repeat exactly the way she had been thought something at first, and she saw that it might be useful to be open to examining what she had been doing and consider changing it.<br />
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After class, I said to Patrick that I have the opposite problem. I am always looking for different ways to do things, and waste a lot of time and energy doing that. As I spoke, I physically expressed what I was saying by reaching out off-balance and unfocused. He said that it was good the way I expressed it physically, and he demonstrated another physical image - that of the Tai Chi horse pose - an open legged upright squat with arms in an open circle at chest level. He showed how that was a stable (heh-heh ... horse/stable) pose, but flexible. He also showed how it was a protected position with the circled arms, but open at the heart level, since they don't meet. That image is helpful.<br />
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During the class, Patrick talked about cloud arms and flexibility. He emphasized how when we say "cloud," we are not conjuring up a static image, since clouds change shape and yet are still clouds.<br />
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It reminded me of the koan, "What was your face before you were born?" In other words, we are like clouds too, perhaps changing shape but still being whatever we are....Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4919817859267501572.post-2164873085399510472009-10-19T10:35:00.000-07:002009-10-19T10:52:55.547-07:00First DayTrying to hatch out of the tough shell I've lived in for almost 65 years.<div><br /></div><div>I found a book called <i>This Time I Dance </i>by Tama J. Kieves. The subtitle is <i>Trusting the Journey of Creating the Work You Love. </i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div>I feel as if I've been sick for many years, and just got the diagnosis. All the inexplicable things I have been doing and feeling and thinking are starting to sense... or nonsense, as the case may be.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's true, I could never get enough of a substitute. I've liked that saying for a long time, but did not see the deeper sense of how it applied to me.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now I am beginning to see the pattern: time spent reading novels, time on the computer, time buying food, clothes, trinkets, hunting for bargains, time in regret and anger and frustration, time being confused. Sure I was confused - I couldn't face myself!</div><div><br /></div><div>As a child, I had a period when I'd sing "Somewhere over the rainbow..." over and over again. Remember the ending? - "Birds fly over the rainbow, why, then, oh why can't I?"</div><div><br /></div><div>After a lot of false starts, finding names that were already in use, I found this one - Rainbow Swimming. It's what I will be doing.</div>Bevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05702730504050902422noreply@blogger.com0