There I was, rising out of my bed, ready to write, and between the bedroom and the kitchen, passing through doors, walking on floors, covering the old dog, and then, what? Where was I? What was it I wanted to do?
It was like waking up to a fresh dawn, singing birds, sun streaming in, and falling asleep again and waking up to a foggy day.
Worries creep in, puncture my buoyant balloon, send it spiraling down with an idiot long fart.
Is joy only a fantasy, a fake carrot held out for my gullible donkey?
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Clouds and more
Taking Tai Chi seems to have activated more than just my body.
Today, Patrick was saying that although it is a good shortcut to have habitual ways we do things, it is also good to sometimes be open to new ways of moving. One of the people in the class said that yes, she tended to always repeat exactly the way she had been thought something at first, and she saw that it might be useful to be open to examining what she had been doing and consider changing it.
After class, I said to Patrick that I have the opposite problem. I am always looking for different ways to do things, and waste a lot of time and energy doing that. As I spoke, I physically expressed what I was saying by reaching out off-balance and unfocused. He said that it was good the way I expressed it physically, and he demonstrated another physical image - that of the Tai Chi horse pose - an open legged upright squat with arms in an open circle at chest level. He showed how that was a stable (heh-heh ... horse/stable) pose, but flexible. He also showed how it was a protected position with the circled arms, but open at the heart level, since they don't meet. That image is helpful.
During the class, Patrick talked about cloud arms and flexibility. He emphasized how when we say "cloud," we are not conjuring up a static image, since clouds change shape and yet are still clouds.
It reminded me of the koan, "What was your face before you were born?" In other words, we are like clouds too, perhaps changing shape but still being whatever we are....
Today, Patrick was saying that although it is a good shortcut to have habitual ways we do things, it is also good to sometimes be open to new ways of moving. One of the people in the class said that yes, she tended to always repeat exactly the way she had been thought something at first, and she saw that it might be useful to be open to examining what she had been doing and consider changing it.
After class, I said to Patrick that I have the opposite problem. I am always looking for different ways to do things, and waste a lot of time and energy doing that. As I spoke, I physically expressed what I was saying by reaching out off-balance and unfocused. He said that it was good the way I expressed it physically, and he demonstrated another physical image - that of the Tai Chi horse pose - an open legged upright squat with arms in an open circle at chest level. He showed how that was a stable (heh-heh ... horse/stable) pose, but flexible. He also showed how it was a protected position with the circled arms, but open at the heart level, since they don't meet. That image is helpful.
During the class, Patrick talked about cloud arms and flexibility. He emphasized how when we say "cloud," we are not conjuring up a static image, since clouds change shape and yet are still clouds.
It reminded me of the koan, "What was your face before you were born?" In other words, we are like clouds too, perhaps changing shape but still being whatever we are....
Monday, October 19, 2009
First Day
Trying to hatch out of the tough shell I've lived in for almost 65 years.
I found a book called This Time I Dance by Tama J. Kieves. The subtitle is Trusting the Journey of Creating the Work You Love.
I feel as if I've been sick for many years, and just got the diagnosis. All the inexplicable things I have been doing and feeling and thinking are starting to sense... or nonsense, as the case may be.
It's true, I could never get enough of a substitute. I've liked that saying for a long time, but did not see the deeper sense of how it applied to me.
Now I am beginning to see the pattern: time spent reading novels, time on the computer, time buying food, clothes, trinkets, hunting for bargains, time in regret and anger and frustration, time being confused. Sure I was confused - I couldn't face myself!
As a child, I had a period when I'd sing "Somewhere over the rainbow..." over and over again. Remember the ending? - "Birds fly over the rainbow, why, then, oh why can't I?"
After a lot of false starts, finding names that were already in use, I found this one - Rainbow Swimming. It's what I will be doing.
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